In a slump the past week or so, is it the change in season? Maybe, coming to a lot of realizations, about myself and others. My friends, I know will take the time to read this.

You don't know me, because you never took the time to look deeper, or simply did not care too.
Here's a little insight as to who this woman sincerely is, for those of you with clouded perceptions, tonight's the night I bare my soul, no holds bar. If you didn't know me, well....this is me, love it or hate it, take it or leave it.

First and foremost, I am a writer. I live to read and write, when I think that the world is coming undone, words are my escape. Call me a loser if you will, but my faith is in teaching, we should learn from those who came before us. Speaking of, do you know that is what I want to do? I want to teach, English of course, History as well. I will one day write a book or two, maybe three, just think I could be one of the philosophers or famous writers somewhere down the line who will be studied by your children's children.

I think music is a safe place. And I love all kinds. I am not a goddess but I am not ugly either, inside or out. Not that it matters because beauty, male or female is truly skin deep, If you are ugly on the inside, what you look like on the outside won't mean a thing to those who see you for what you really are. I am a dreamer. A hopeless romantic. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have experience pain (in all forms), endured heartbreak, death, and love. I have made great memories, and stored away the bad. I have been betrayed, belittled, alienated, hated, and broken down. But I stand tall, I forgive, I am still here. I have been stabbed in the back, as well as in the front. I have fallen, but I always get back up.

I have made my own mistakes, I myself have caused hurt, anger, sadness. BUT, the difference being I wasn't out for blood, hurt was not my intention, and I have made amends with myself and those who've been affected by my ignorance.

I have also created happiness, in those who thought it was lost. Been there, listened, took the time to know someone. I have been the shoulder to lean on, cry on, the person to stand beside someone when the rest of the world fell away. I have been a friend.
I care more about those around me than I do myself, selflessness. Giving what I can to those who need it, because everybody needs someone. And whatever I can do, I will.

I am respectful, and I try my best to make the right decisions, though I do not always succeed. Sometimes I get blinded, it is not a fault, nor weakness. Because it happens to the best of us. In my younger days, I faultier constantly. Not having any authority, or adult supervision, I was left to make my own choices at a very young age.

High School drop out, indeed I was, at the tender age of fourteen. Drugs, you name them I did them (with the exception of Heroin). Crime, I got into it, I did a lot that I am not proud of, raves, parties, bad people, good people, traveling, sold drugs, stole, fought, I was angry, and where I grew up, there wasn't really much hope for a future... learning right from wrong I managed on my own. I did not grow up with much, but certainly made the best with what I had. This is where I believe I learned to appreciate the small things in life. I am not impressed by what people have, I am impressed with people themselves, who they are, and what they stand for. I turned things around, went back to school, started over, let the bad parts go. I was getting too old before my time, I never really experienced a childhood, sad yes, But the things I have gained from what I have been through,...Priceless. I place no blame on anyone, though there were others who helped me along the beaten path, I made up my own mind. I tried to be what others wanted but could never really fit in the mold, I was who I was and I found who I am. All of this and much more has brought me here, to this warm, rather decent person today. I will allow no one to change me, demoralize me, or demean me. If you think you can do this, than you mistaken what I stand for. Get to know people, Let no one take advantage of you.

I now know the past is the past for a reason, you cannot go back, you cannot change what has been, or anyone who lies within it. Things come to an end for a reason, and we cannot look back, it only obstructs our view of the future. Although, don't forget it, it will always be there. Remember the lessons learned, and smile because it all happened and in the end, there was a new beginning. No matter how hopeless it all once seemed.

I am at times afraid. Scared to death, though I can hide it well. Terrified, like so many others of, rejection, losing, loving, feeling, wanting, and the biggest of all my fears, Death and being forgotten.

I want to make a difference in the world.

I am boisterous at times, and at others quiet and shy. I am wild, fun, and free, as well as calm, collective, and trapped.

I do not harbor hatred, nor carry around anger, though I used too. I've learned it gets you no where. It is far better to let it go and move on than to put that heavy weight on your heart.

I am not a liar, even though I have lied and cheated. I do not judge, and I ask not to be judged, no body is perfect, and I for one, will never claim to be. I wish I could be in grade school again and say that "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Unfortunately, words can hurt me. Especially if you in some way, mean something to me. The words of those will cut deeper than a knife ever could.

The biggest misconception people have of me is that I am stupid. Yes I have made some stupid mistakes, but I am in no way as daft as you may think. Sometimes for the sake of not getting hurt, I pretend I do not care. Inside I really do, and at other times I may seem cold and vicious, its because I'm doing my best not to let someone in. For fear that they may, like so many others, cause me grief.

As I said somewhere above, I appreciate the small things in life, the things that most people now-a-days do not take the time to stop and notice. The beauty of seasons changing, the stars, a good book, a hot bath, companionship, laughter, hugs, a wave, sitting on a dock listening to and watching the water, enjoying nature, being silly, playful, sometimes acting like a kid...there's so much more here than money, greed, and envy; It isn't everything, and though it may make you happy for a while, it's a long life. People are losing sight of the gorgeous things that lay around us, or even, the way a smile you shoot someone's way could brighten their whole day. You don't know maybe its been a bad one, but by showing some compassion towards them, it may make the difference.
I cannot lie, I have been mean, and passed things by unnoticed, but due to being one of those people who is plainly having a bad day, that has been passed by without a second thought, who no one has cared to ask if they are okay. So I am guilty as sinned, but everyday is not one of those days. I pull through, remember that I'm not the only here who is fighting a battle; We all are. We secretly all wish to be loved, understood, not judged, simply accepted. I know I do, and I am no longer afraid to admit it. I do my best to be kind.

I learn, sometimes I forget and repeat the mistake, but eventually...I get it. We all should know, if it hurts, DON'T do it again. But we tend too, Several times before the we realize the hurt is greater than the reward...then we finally stop.

I love my friends, and if you are one of them, there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you. To those of you who don't know it, once you are in my heart...there you stay. Through the good and bad, friendship is a special bond. Some come and go, those who are gone will never be forgotten, as well for those who are still here. Because sooner or later, life will lead us away from one another. All of you who have been in and out of my life, have been part of (in some way or another) the making of me. Ups and downs, losses and gains, you all have shaped, and helped me grow. For that I forever grateful to all of you, Thank You.

I enjoy the here and now, because really what else do we have? Tomorrow is never guaranteed and I think that is another thing people take for granted, you never know when you are going to wake up dead.

I am sometimes a lost soul. Cynical, yet Optimistic...
I am serious, and humorous, I will make fun of myself to make another smile.
I smile only when I mean it.

I like to be alone, every one needs space and time, but also, I like to be next to someone. Even if its sitting in a room without words, just the company is enough. We come into the world alone, and we leave it alone, so why not journey in between together.

I love,... love. I have come across it a few times, it was amazing, terrible, and will be everlasting within me. I do not just give myself to anyone.
There is no stronger feeling in this world than love, it holds us together, as it also tears us apart. Whichever may be happening, Embrace it, Feel it, because we are not all so lucky like others in truly finding it.

The journey is long, and in the end it's only with ourselves, so I choose to make my way through the world as the woman that I am, with my morals, values, my wantings and choosings. Whether you understand or respect them, and Love or despise me, that is your choice. I speak from my heart, I do not do this often. Hence, I felt that it was time I let what is really inside shine through.

So I leave you with this, if you don't know me by now...It's very sad to say, you never will.

-Elizabeth Banyai